I Felt Nothing

I felt no relief when I got my 8 week contract.

No relief, no joy, no nothing

I thought I would be happy, I thought I would be happy to be productive again, but I don’t feel that at all.

All I feel is dread, a dense sadness. As if I know the road is wrong and what I am doing will lead to some place mediocre.

But is it where I need to go? I need money, its the enabler and for the next 8 weeks at least, this gives me the money. I need clothes, travelling for 6 months and moving country means you are low on clothes.

Happiness is not built on dreams, it is built in the now. In bricks and motor and in the ability to do what you want.

I need to keep dancing with the devil, I only hope this will be my last dance.

I never really understood the word melancholy when I was young. I understood the meaning in a “I can tell you what it means sort of way”. But now, at age 30, I know it. To do the wasteful thing, the thing that gives you so much yet so little at the same time. That’s why its pensive, because its pervasive.

Anyway, one thing at a time. And I have one thing. Now unto the next thing.