Giving Hate

Its easier for me to give hate then love.
Hate is like a reflex.
Love is an effort.

Why is this?

Do I have black heart? A coldness for the world?

Am I so hurt and disappointed in myself that I need to give it to the world when I feel betrayed and crossed?

Crossed and disappointed in who? Myself? Others?
But why?

Have I not loved myself as I should?

Have I tortured myself with the expectations of my immature self?
Expectations of a boy.
Of a know nothing kid.

Did u see it? It came out again.

“Know nothing kid”

I’ll let you in on a secret.
It feels good, to have a sharp tongue.

A tongue that cuts through.
I can do it with a smile or a scowl.
I can hurt.

But truth be told I also hurt myself.
Every insult pulls me deeper into the deep sea of my own expectations.

Drowning.
Hiding from my own sharp tongue and the cruelties of my mind.

I have to accept that I am not perfect and I can’t put those expectations on others.

I am not anything special myself.

But yet I am me.
I am doing my best.
Whatever that is.

Hence, everyone else is doing what they can.
And they don’t deserve to receive your lashings.

But give them your love, give them your kindness and your kind words of encouragement.
But also give them your hard stuff.
Your persistence.
Your grit.
Your audacity.

Give them your love.
And let go of your hate.
As that hate in your heart consumes you.

Those expectations of yourself wear you down.
They drown you.

Let go of the expectations of yourself and others around you.

And free yourself to give your all.
Because remember.

That’s all you have.