I find myself wanting things that I do not want.
Understand?
Let me say it like this;
Wanting things that will ultimately make me unhappy
Got it? Good
I know, strange to say but the feeling is real
I want jobs that I despise
I want cars that I won’t ever drive
I want house that I will never enjoy
And I want the approval of people that I will never care for…..what a thing to say, not to care for people. Better said, I want the love of people who I, myself, do not love.
We do things that the environment compels us to do, it shapes us and it drives to do what is best for us in that particular environment. My environment is a corporate office. My competitiveness spirit is geared to want the next big job, to “smash out” the next task and please the person with power over me.
It is power over me.
Why is this happening? Why do I want things that will ultimately in the end will hurt me?
As said previously the environment compels and I am currently in an environment that presents me with opportunities that deep down I do not want. This conflict eats away at me.
Whispers in my ear, gently and softly, “what the fuck are you doing here son”
You see all I have ever wanted as a life is to win, to succeed, to conquer. I mean look at most of my day dreams. My fantasies of being a general/athlete/businessmen are all derivatives of the same beginning. The will to win. I will try to win at whatever is in front of me. I feed of the hate I have of my so called “enemies”. I love nothing more then my petty victories over them.
Everyday I am in something I do not want but my desire to win holds strong, so I try to win at a game that I do not want to play.
To want to win at a game that I do not want to play
That is a hell of a thing.
A trap of my own creation.
What to do about it?
That my friends is the question.
Or said differently.
How do I stop wanting things I do not want?
Stranger in Sydney 