A Conversation With Myself

If this one life is really it

If all this will end

Am I wasting my life right now

Am I living my true life

Growing up financial security was always a problem

My parents had their own business which wasn’t very successful

Which meant the stress of not having enough money to pay the bills always followed us around.

I don’t think my dad ever realised how much debt he was in and how much my mum struggled to make ends meet.

The reason I say this is I think was my motivator to make money and making money was a big driver for me in my teenage and early adult years.

And this is the part of my life that I am least happy with and this is what’s driving me to ask the question.

I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and asked myself “What are you doing at work? What are you doing?”

I mean if I could split my life into parts I think most other areas I am doing really well.

1. Family – Beyond my expectations. My relationship with my wife and son is probably the best it’s ever been. I am starting to learn to listen to my wife better and I make significant time to spend with my son.
2. Friends – As expected. Strong relationships with friends, some relationships have grown while others have plateaued or shrunk but overall I think the friendships I have are great part of my life.
3. Personal – Better than expected. I am more mature and comfortable in my skin than ever before. Meditation/workouts/prayer/journal/travel has really helped me become a more present and content person. I still need a hobby though. I am thinking of starting Ju-Jitsu and taking writing more seriously.
4. Work/Business/Money – Below expectations. By the age of 34, I thought I would be financially independent through trading, business, and property and I definitely didn’t think I would be working an office job.  The opposite is true. While financially I am fine and we have a mortgage on a property and some money saved, I am still dependent on my job and if I were to lose my job I think I would be STRESSED. So even though I am not poor or rich by any stretch I think my dissatisfaction stems from my expectations.

Truth be told if I really push the work/business/money other areas would suffer, at the same time I know I am not giving myself enough to work. So I need to find a balance and keep pushing the business area without letting the other areas suffer.

I have tried several things over the last couple of years, none of which worked, but the truth is the next idea could be the big one.

The anxiety around losing my job or not having a job is likely to remain but if I continue to do good work at the office and work on things outside the office things should start to improve.

To conclude I don’t think I am wasting my life but a part of me knows that I am not doing all I can. My 20-year-old self was an idiot but he had something pure that I am not fulfilling at the moment. Life is not like the movies, I need to keep working and stop expecting some friend or stranger to come and help and change my life. It’s on me and I can make it happen.