Synopsis: This summary is from the book Hold On To Your Kids and specially the chapter Collecting Our Children. It outlines things we can do to build better relationships with our children.
Key Takeaways
Get in the child’s face – or space – in a friendly way
Make the effort
For every child, a different dance will emerge.
Each child is unique
It’s important to collect our children after any time of separation
Bring them back to base
Attachment rituals exist in every culture, when fully consummated, a greeting should collect the eyes, a smile and a nod.
Follow a few simple steps
Collecting our children is also important after the separation caused by sleep
Always reconnect with your kids
Right after the boys wake up my wife and I put them on our laps, held them, played and joked with them until the eyes were engaged, the smiles were forthcoming and the nods were working
Simple rituals, making breakfast together
Rebuilding that bridge is always our responsibility
Make it happen
The simple finger grasp is an entirely unconscious interaction, the objective of which is to prime the attachment instincts, to get the child to hold on
Be a rock
For our own children the physical component is key. Hugs and embraces were designed for children to hold on to and can warm up a child long after the hug is over
Physical connect is great
Above all, an adult must give something before the child will hold on
Always be the first to give something
Our challenge as parents is to provide an invitation that is too desirable and too important for a child to turn down, a loving acceptance that no peer can provide
Unconditional love
The child must perceive our offering to be spontaneous for the connection to work
To be real and not fake
Providing something to hold on to is most effective when least expected. If what we have to offer can be earned or is seen to be some sort of reward, it will not serve as nurturing contact.
Unconditional
The conundrum is that attention given at the request of the child is never satisfactory; it leaves an uncertainty that the parent is only responding to demands, not voluntarily giving himself to the child
Generous with time and spirit
The demands only escalate without the emotional need underlying them ever being filled. The solution is to seize the moment, to invite contact exactly when the child is not demanding it
Take them by surprise
We take the child by surprise, making him feel that he is the one receiving the invitation
Who doesn’t love a random act of kindness
The foundation of a child’s true self-esteem is the sense of being accepted, loved and enjoyed by the parents exactly as he, the child, is.
They are perfect just as they are
Our job in raising children is to look after their dependence needs
Unshakeable
There is no shortcut to true independence. The only way to become independent is through being dependent. Resting in the confidence that getting children to be capable as separate beings is not entirely up to us
Be confident that your children will be able to navigate through the world
Since children depend on us to get their bearings, we must assume the role of compass point and act as their guide
Be the example that you want them to become
Final Thoughts: The book over my head in allot of ways but in this chapter I found allot of practical advise to take on board with my toddler. Simple things like collecting them, accepting them and spontaneous acts of love are important concepts that will improve any parent/child relationship.
Stranger in Sydney 