How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. By Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Synopsis: You can be a better parent if you do a few basic things that are not easy and require more effort and thought.

Key Takeaways

1. Accept and Acknowledge Your Kid’s Feelings

To help with feelings:

• Listen with full attention
• Acknowledge them with a word
• Give their feelings a name

Bad things to do

• Denial of feelings
• Philosophizing
• Advice
• Questioning
• Defending the other side
• Pity
• Psychoanalyzing

Chapter 2: Engaging Cooperation

To encourage cooperation:

• Describe your observations
• Give information
• Keep reminders short
• Talk about your feelings
• Write a note

Bad things to do

• Blaming/accusing
• Name-calling
• Threats
• Commands
• Lecturing/moralizing
• Warnings
• Martyrdom
• Comparisons
• Sarcasm
• Prophesizing

Chapter 3: Alternatives to Punishment

Alternatives to punishment:

• Point out a way to be helpful instead
• Express disapproval (without attacking their character)
• State your expectations / values
• Show them how to make amends
• Offer a choice
• Take action (remove, restrain, etc.)
• Allow the child to experience the consequences of their misbehaviour

Problem solving steps:

• Talk about their feelings and needs
• Talk about your feelings and needs
• Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution
• Write down all ideas, without evaluating them
• Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on

Chapter 4: Encouraging Autonomy

To encourage autonomy:

• Let others make choices
• Show respect for their struggle
• Don’t ask too many prying questions
• Don’t rush to answer questions
• Encourage people to use external sources
• Don’t take away hope by protecting them from disappointment

More ways to encourage autonomy:

• Respect their physical boundaries
• Stay out of the minute details
• Don’t talk about them in the third person in front of them
• Let them answer their own questions
• Show respect for their eventual readiness
• Watch out for saying “no” too often

Alternatives to “no”:

• Give information
• Accept their feelings
• Describe the problem
• Substitute a yes for a no (e.g. yes, later)
• Give yourself time to think

Instead of advice:

• Help sort out tangled thoughts/feelings
• Restate the problem as a question (and don’t answer immediately)
• Point out external resources

Chapter 5: Praise

Cautions:

• Make sure the level of praise is appropriate to their ability (don’t praise something trivial)
• Avoid hinting at past weaknesses or failures
• Excessive enthusiasm can feel like pressure, interfere with internal motivation
• Be prepared for a lot of repetition of the praised activity

If the person is still fearful of risking failure:

• Don’t minimize their distress, understand the feelings
• Accept their mistakes and view them as part of learning process
• Accept our own mistakes, to model this process for them.

Chapter 6: Freeing Children from Playing Roles + Chapter 7: Putting it All Together

To free people from playing roles:

• Look for opportunities to show them a new picture of themselves
• Put them in situations where they can see themselves differently
• Let them overhear you say something positive about them
• Model the behaviour you’d like to see
• Remind them of their good moments that contradict their self-impression
• When they behave according to the old label, state your feelings and/or expectations

Final Thoughts: I learned more from the things not do; a) Don’t minimize their distress, understand the feelings, b) Give less advise, c) Avoid punishment, d) Don’t blame and command, e) Don’t question. A book that is worth reading for any parent. It’s also just good relationship advise as well as key concepts on how to listen effectively. 8.5/10