Harmless Addiction?

We all have our addictions
Some are worse then others in obvious sense
Others are worse in more insidious ways

It’s the harmless ones that I keep going back to that take up all of my time.
You seem the mind needs space to breathe and inspiration.

My addictions strangle my mind and blur out my imagination in the nicest possible way

As said it is largely thought of as harmless, no big deal, everyone does it

But it drains me
Takes away my special energy
Blocks me mentally
It also creates distance in my relationships
In my most important relationships

And these moments I lose will soon add up to a lifetime

If I try to fight it off but it bounces back even harder
Like a spring pushed back with tension building until it explodes

The best way for me to deal with it is to almost eliminate the opportunity for it to appear or more importantly root out the urge

Don’t give it a chance to enter my mind
Drown it, slowly and surely
Not suddenly but slowly, one day at a time

This way the tension and the urge don’t build so strongly

The other thing is to admit I am almost powerless when it strikes me
I know this sounds like a cop out
But the truth is I am powerless
It takes me and I don’t stop

What all this means is I need to understand that I can do little on my own and I need help from my environment as much as possible

It’s about understanding that if it does strike I need to change
Change my environment
Change my settings
Change the direction

The setting impels
And if there is one thing I can control it’s my setting

Glimpses of The Matrix

Once I was dancing with a member of the opposite sex. I took her by the small of her back. Closed my eyes and danced, only by breath and feel. I tried to give myself to the dance. I swear in that moment we were connect not just to ourselves, but to something greater. We experienced something. I shot through the matrix.

Have you ever felt this?

Times when you were connected and it all made sense

Some people would say it was me being in the present moment

It was more then that. It was me being able to flow

I had the skill and the knowledge and I executued

Once at a swimming carnival I remember a relay, my team was half a lap behind. I jumped in the water and just swam, just gave it everything. I looked up, I hit the wall, we had won.

What is the common thread in each of these moments?

Giving – Of myself, of my energy to the task at hand to only what is there

Skill – The application of skill that I had learnt and trusting my self with that skill

Not trying – only doing

If I can bring these three things out in my daily life more I will no doubt benefit.

It will change and allow me to extract more out of life. More zest.

Think less and give more perhaps?

Can you give whilst thinking? Probably not, right?

How Do I Feel?

How often asked and seldom answered honestly. I will do my best.

I feel like the biggest moment of my life is upon me.

I feel all my failures following me

I feel like I so much to do and yet so much time has passed already.

I feel like its going to be amazing but I have so little evidence to back it up.

I feel like its going to re-frame my life, redefine me and bring me ease

I also feel like it could be the end of me, the finish, obliteration

Its never going to be the same

I feel like I see a tsunami coming and I want it to drown me, take me was me away

I want it to take all the pressure of my own expectations and lift it off my shoulders

Atlas shrug, please

I know its going to put more pressure on me

Its going to take me to another place

I always felt the death of my father and the birth of my kids will leave a profound effect on me, as it does on us all

I know what joy is waiting for me but all feel like is that I have let my child down already

I have already let down my unborn child, I have not given it all it needs, is that normal?

To feel that? Aye, can’t be.

I am still working out this thing called life out and there is a little guy or girl coming to join me and frankly I don’t know whether I can give it it what it needs

Frankly I don’t know if I give myself what I need

I am man with my own demons, addictions and failures

The drink calls to me more and more as I get older

Do you know why?

So I can escape me, my head

I hope I can be a good dad

I really do

Everyone expects me to be a good dad

Everyone

Do you ever want to give up? Sometimes I watch a movie scene of someone about to be beaten and then they fight back at the last moment and survive, sometimes I wonder if I would fight back, or if I would let life take me

I don’t know

Does a day represent a life?

I start my day tired because I go to bed too late to wake up fresh

Then rush to get to work or do some exercise or eat something

I then get to work and check who is there before me

I then chill a bit and see what’s up

I then work, I normally stretch out my day until 6ish so it seems that I am working hard

I then rush home

Eat with the one I love

Then veg out on the internet

After a that I try to work on a hobby/passion/love

Then rush to bed because it’s getting past midnight

The cycle continues

Do you see what’s wrong with this picture?

I can’t see my life getting better and this could be a metaphor for my life, focusing on the wrong things

Doing the wrong things

In the wrong order

Wrongs things, wrong order

Then having no energy for the right thing

The things that need to be done

If my days are a reflection of my life then I am in trouble

Any change starts small

Catching Feels

this is what marketing is, catching feels

if you make people catch feels you can sell almost anything

do you know the secret to selling cigartettes?

its making people catch feels

you know how cigarettes make you feel

like cool but indestructible

like better but not caring

like an outsider but you know better

like you do but you don’t

that my friend is catching feels

that’s how you sell things

how do you feel when you drink that craft brew? you know, craft beer?

you feel better then Toohey or VB drinker

well you think you feel better, but you really feel the same.

same same

but you caught feels

its a psychological trick

its selling people what they want?

so what do people want?

the same thing you want?

to be happy, no?

pfffff

happy, nah man, happiness isn’t it

people want to be loved

to be admired

to be glorified

Homer said it with Achilles as the example

he chased the glory and got the sword

selling cigarettes?

they got it

the glory and the sword

you want

i want

to be wanted

we all want to be wanted

now if you are good

you can move past that

but truth be told

we are not that good

we are faulty

imperfect

we try to be the best we can be

but we are what we are

so you got to sell that ego

that ego of wanting to be better

and how are we better?

we eat orgnaic

we wear sustainable

we buy things that are better

nicer

tastier

cleaner

make people feel superior and they will give you their wallet

but more

they will give you their love

and you know what love is don’t you?

Love is god

In My Mind – A Poem

The pressure is real

Its all self inflicted

The pain I feel

The failures are mine

No one will help me

Stop looking for a sign

The cross is yours to bear

You called them shit kickers

Stop looking for life to fair

You went and got a shit kicker job

You never wanted it but you gave it everything

You think your life’s hard, having a sob?

And why? For what?

Ignoring your dreams?

Honest to god, you have done diddly-squat

Why do I keep living in my head?

No one cares

Why don’t I understand that one day I will be dead?

It all doesn’t matter, just give what you have to what you love

Clear your mind

Stop thinking of what your life is void of

Listen to God, clear the distraction

Stop looking for credit and start doing the work

And maybe for once, get some traction

I feel like sometimes I have nothing left to give

I am starting not to care anymore

Its yourself you need to forgive

Stop Trying

There is no such thing as trying.

When Yoda said it, I didn’t understand.

Of course there is trying.

How do you start doing things if you don’t try.

I mean you have to start somewhere, you have to look at something.

The issue is too many times people (me) use trying as an excuse.

Any excuse not to do things.

Or an excuse to attempt but feel okay about not accomplishing things.

I tried to create a YouTube channel

I tried to start a business

I tried to call him and catch up

Either I do it or don’t.

There is no in between.

The difference between trying and doing is literally the next step.

No matter how hard or boring or ungratifying it is.

Write that email, make that call or set up that shop.

That’s what doing is. The next step.

Trying is stopping just before you do those things.

I do the same thing with reading business books or biographies.

It gives the impression that I am doing something.

All this is just a form of procrastinating.

A form of pretending where I can say to myself that I am getting somewhere.

But in reality I am getting nowhere and doing nothing.

All the business books I read aren’t worth 3 months of owning and operating my own business.

Said more candidly it’s a lie.

I have been lying to myself allot and trying is one of the ways I do it.

I do it when I ask questions and I don’t listen to the answer.

I do it when I call a friend and feel relief when they don’t answer.

I do it when I say to myself I will start a business and nothing happens for ages.

Most of all I do it when I say I tried.

I need to stop trying.

Never give up but stop trying.

What If You Couldn’t Fail?

I mean think about it?

What a stupid question. If you couldn’t fail you wouldn’t try.

What ius life without death. Nothing

The gods envy us because life is fleeting, because our moments pass and every one could be our last.

That’s why life is great for those who are in the moment.

Love comes with hate, life with death and sweet success with failure.

So if I couldn’t fail, I wouldn’t want to do a thing.

So the question isn’t what if you couldn’t fail, the question is what are you scared of failing at the most?

I am scared of failing in front of my family and freinds. That scares me the most, failing in front of family and freinds.

Losing face.

Being laughed at.

Coming back and looking the fool.

I need to be laughed at more.

I need to find the thing I am scared of failing at the most and embrace that.

My mistakes are ones of omission or pretending.

What If Fear Wasn’t A Factor?

Well Joe Rogan wouldn’t of smoked DMT

Jokes

I would be more honest, I would say what I think more. This would sharpen my intellect and will and I would be more precise with my words and meaning and more attuned to how I feel. Essentially a better communicator.

Would I quit my job?

Probably not, I think I would be happier in my job, less angst and time wasting soft stepping around hard questions and with even harder answers. I wouldn’t shy away from challenges or fear peoples negative opinions of me. This would lead me to doing better and more meaningful work in less time.

With my wife, I would be happier, I wouldn’t fear being completely honest. Like if she asked me what I was doing in my room, I would say looking at porn. I would feel bad and watch less porn. Which would lead to a better sex life with her.

Its a chain you see, butterfly effect

With friends, I would stop trying to impress. I would listen, I would tell them my honest opinions, I would confront them and hope they would confront me, I would be more open about my failures and how I don’t know everything and am not necessarily the smart one. This would allow me to have better relationships and even better friends.

With God, no fear with god, what a thing to say. I would love him/her/it more, I wouldn’t be afraid of embracing that I am here for a purpose and a good purpose at that. Lady Gaga says god makes no mistakes. I would feel that in my actions that they are actions of god, in small small way, adding a touch of the divine in everything I do. I would also see my fellow man better, as more human, more like me.

In life it means embracing the moment more. Most of my fears are in the future. Like having enough to retire, or feeding my unborn child and supporting a family. But in the moment there is very little
I fear. I would be able to embrace the moment more and become more attuned with what I need moment to moment.

Living one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Am I Living the Life Of My Dreams?

The short answer is no. But the question is did I dream right?

Well first about the dream. It had 2 things.

Money and power.

Allot like my fantasies of bedding beautiful women and then telling my friends. These dreams came from a place of insecurity.

My low self esteem, social anxiety and inability to have a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex meant my dreams involved me showing the world how much better I was then everyone else.

So did I achieve the life of a rich and powerful world wide player?

The best things in my life are the relationships I have with my family and friends. I got some great ones.

This I never dreamed of, never thought of or aspired to have.

So dreams change.

The dreams of that boy still have something I want.

The control and independence.

I am still chasing it.

Control and independence