Do I feel I lived the same day many times before?

In some ways, yes, yes I do.

Especially when it comes to how I spend my working days.

I feel as if my life has been caught in a certain river or cycle or track.

I know the stops, the scenery, the passengers, ticket inspectors and the drivers.

The work has been fairly similar though the industries have changed.

Other areas of life have changed significantly.

Moved country 24 months ago and moved homes 12 ago.

I have lived in four different cities in my adult life with probably more to come.

I have spent a significant amount of time travelling (9 months)

I have new addition to the family on the way, so gearing up for that has been different.

But the spirit of my life I must say has been the same.

No major changes in the last 24 months

No zips or zaps.

It has largely been in the same spirit.

I would characterize the spirit as the road more traveled but the lesser one.

What does that even mean?

It means I didn’t live the most risky life but I did get out of my comfort zone.

And it when I was out of my comfort zone I was most in the moment.

It is in these moments life is most real.

So going back to the original questions

Do I live the same day over and over again?

Yes

Do I need a change?

Yes

Is there one coming?

Yes

Is it permanent?

No

So whats next?

I got to make a move.

If I were to die today. I mean passing away, final breathes, sayonara and peace. What would I be sorry for?

I would be sorry for not be nicer to the people I love. For being critical of who they are and not being able to accept them for who they became. I would and do regret all the harsh word that have come from my mouth towards them. Its obvious how most anger is a mistake.

I would be sorry for bringing the person I love the most half way across the world and leaving her alone. I would be most sorry for that, for hurting her and breaking her heart, that would hurt me most of all. I would tell her I loved her and everything in life was worth it because of her. That the best moments in my life where just to be with with her as I fell asleep and as I woke up.

But after telling her that I think the pain itself will kill me

It never ceases to amaze me how cruel life can be, how hard it is and how it ends.

People talk about how endings matter the most, but the ones that we love leave us heart broken, but we love them still. So maybe not all endings matter.

I guess we don’t blame them for dying

Born to die

What else would I be sorry for?

Sorry for not making money ? Probably not?

Sorry for working in an office? I don’t think it matters so much. I honestly try to make things better each day. I really do. I might not always succeed or believe in it 100% but I really give it everything.

Maybe I need to believe more or do things I believe in more.

Sorry for not taking more chances? Yeah, some I would regret not taking. I mean I would regret not failing more.

Fail at something, I mean maybe you need to put yourself out there more. Fail miserably at something or die trying.

Gotta love 50

Its just that I don’t know what to fail at.

Fail at something I believe in perhaps?

But yeah, saying I love you, being more patient and taking more chances

That’s what it comes down to.

We are doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again

Or are we?

Let’s see, rejection was something that I needed to face more often growing up and I didn’t

It cost me life experiences that I can only dream about

The rejection of rejection cost me in the long term

It was me being scared of the embarrassment and my peers laughing at me

Ghosts I created in my head

Whether it was approaching a girl, trying something new or even dressing different

So now in my 30’s it’s time I start getting rejected

At what you ask?

At its essence it comes down to rejection of self, of what I believe and what I feel

Rejection of things I want to do and want to be

Rejection from the ones I love the most

I need to try things and fail and get back up

I need to pitch ideas and follow them through, not just pitch

I need to put myself out there to look like an idiot

To let my ideas flow and ensure my efforts follow

There is only success and failure in action, there is nothing in thought

So the life lesson is get rejected more in action, not just from teachers and peers, but from life

Not just rejected though, but to do the hard things and learn from the rejection

Take it lessons and grow with it

Everyday in every way

If you know you know

I didn’t do a 21st speech.
Life was such at the time that a party was not an option.
But I lived in my head so much that I practiced in the shower, all the time.
So much so I remember it word for word until this day.
I hope you like it

21 years and I want to thank you.

I want to thank my parents who have sacrificed their life 7 days a week in a shop so I could have the opportunities that they never had.
For giving me everything and more.
And most importantly trusting me more than I ever trusted myself.
Thank you and I love you.

I want to thank my eldest brother for showing what was possible.

I want to thank my second eldest for showing me what hard work can do.

And my youngest for showing that I am not perfect and can always do better.

My cousins, allot of people talk about putting family first or having a close family and I hope they do. Cause if they have cousins like mine they know what it means to be there for one another.

I want to thank my friends from school for putting me on their shoulders and giving the confidence to believe in myself.
Without them I wouldn’t of made it out.

I want to thank the friends from Uni for helping me grow and showing me things I never knew of, heard of or even convinced of. Again if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t of made it out.

All of you I truly love

21 years in and I hope I can be with you for 21 years more

Things are not perfect right now.
Allot of things are missing.

No house or car. I don’t have a job I love or like. The side hustle isn’t off the ground. Not a great relationship with the family and losing contact with friends.

Added pressure of a loved one on the way.

Sometimes I feel it’s just one second from all breaking.

One badly placed comment, an unchecked thought or an email in anger.

The truth is its only ever one moment away from it all being choas, darkness and black.

Just a moment away, we are but at mercy.

Let your will be done.

But it’s been good

Your will has been good and I need to do a better job of remembering that.

Good food and drink, did you ever try foie gras in France? Or drink Augustiner in Munich?

Good friends who helped me become who I am.

Enemies who I hated and drove me to push harder

Sweet success of achieving goals that seemed impossible

Failures learnt from that leave there mark on me today

Family who ultimately gave me everything worth having, everything worth giving and everything worth loving.

And to my new family who taught me a new way to love and have changed my life like nothing else.

My life is for them. For them only.

These are the things I forget.

The things I need to remember.

Because soon, it could all be over.

Pain awaits us all as does peace.

It’s the peace I need to remember.

What should I do with my life?

The question normally means what should I do as a job, profession, occupation.

Most people have no clue, no idea or don’t even have a choice. I mean, you do what you need to do, especially in the developing world.

Anyway

Truth be told, I knew

I knew exactly what I wanted from a young age

I wanted to be a busineman, entrprenuer, a self made man.

But somewhere the question became less clear and I started answering in ways that seemed more real

Work in finance, accountant, business development manager.

Sure those things were more tangible, achievable, feasible

But those were not what I wanted, its want people wanted to hear

And its what everyone else was doing

What I wanted was to be in control and not work someone else’s hours

I wanted to make decisions and not have them made for me

I wanted to see what was possible for me to acheive

So what is possible today?

What can I do so I can become what I always wanted.

I can start

I can start where I am and pursue things

I can start a youtube channel

Invest in property

Become a part time developer

Sell a product on Amazon

Invest in a business

Sell an idea to an executive

Buy a classic car

Create a beautiful product

Rezone commercial property

Take over a failing business

I must start at one and keep going

Just like how i apply and interview for roles

I can start and apply myself to each of the above

Every day, just keep taking steps in the right direction until I am back on course

To becoming what I always wanted

I find myself wanting things that I do not want.

Understand?

Let me say it like this;

Wanting things that will ultimately make me unhappy

Got it? Good

I know, strange to say but the feeling is real

I want jobs that I despise

I want cars that I won’t ever drive

I want house that I will never enjoy

And I want the approval of people that I will never care for…..what a thing to say, not to care for people. Better said, I want the love of people who I, myself, do not love.

We do things that the environment compels us to do, it shapes us and it drives to do what is best for us in that particular environment. My environment is a corporate office. My competitiveness spirit is geared to want the next big job, to “smash out” the next task and please the person with power over me.

It is power over me.

Why is this happening? Why do I want things that will ultimately in the end will hurt me?

As said previously the environment compels and I am currently in an environment that presents me with opportunities that deep down I do not want. This conflict eats away at me.

Whispers in my ear, gently and softly, “what the fuck are you doing here son”

You see all I have ever wanted as a life is to win, to succeed, to conquer. I mean look at most of my day dreams. My fantasies of being a general/athlete/businessmen are all derivatives of the same beginning. The will to win. I will try to win at whatever is in front of me. I feed of the hate I have of my so called “enemies”. I love nothing more then my petty victories over them.

Everyday I am in something I do not want but my desire to win holds strong, so I try to win at a game that I do not want to play.

To want to win at a game that I do not want to play

That is a hell of a thing.

A trap of my own creation.

What to do about it?

That my friends is the question.

Or said differently.

How do I stop wanting things I do not want?

Its easier for me to give hate then love.
Hate is like a reflex.
Love is an effort.

Why is this?

Do I have black heart? A coldness for the world?

Am I so hurt and disappointed in myself that I need to give it to the world when I feel betrayed and crossed?

Crossed and disappointed in who? Myself? Others?
But why?

Have I not loved myself as I should?

Have I tortured myself with the expectations of my immature self?
Expectations of a boy.
Of a know nothing kid.

Did u see it? It came out again.

“Know nothing kid”

I’ll let you in on a secret.
It feels good, to have a sharp tongue.

A tongue that cuts through.
I can do it with a smile or a scowl.
I can hurt.

But truth be told I also hurt myself.
Every insult pulls me deeper into the deep sea of my own expectations.

Drowning.
Hiding from my own sharp tongue and the cruelties of my mind.

I have to accept that I am not perfect and I can’t put those expectations on others.

I am not anything special myself.

But yet I am me.
I am doing my best.
Whatever that is.

Hence, everyone else is doing what they can.
And they don’t deserve to receive your lashings.

But give them your love, give them your kindness and your kind words of encouragement.
But also give them your hard stuff.
Your persistence.
Your grit.
Your audacity.

Give them your love.
And let go of your hate.
As that hate in your heart consumes you.

Those expectations of yourself wear you down.
They drown you.

Let go of the expectations of yourself and others around you.

And free yourself to give your all.
Because remember.

That’s all you have.

Did you ever struggle being disliked?
Or accepting being disliked?

I struggle with it.
It really bothers me knowing/thinking I am not liked.

I think it holds me back from giving something

Giving what ?

I don’t know but possibly my best. You know that little bit extra, that difference, in football they use the word “quality”. All I have to give is myself and without giving everything then something is missing.

I mean I want to be able to say my character and work speaks for itself

But I cradle things in soft words to not rock the boat. I hold things in, choose words carefully, not expressing my true intent.

Its funny I don’t have the same problem with people I love. For them I don’t mind being harsh, hurtful and honest. I say it’s because I love them. But the truth is its because I am not scared to lose them.

Ahh there’s the truth. Lose. But truth be told I have nothing to lose as these people are not mine to hold.

For the ones I care not, I watch my words and smile politely. I mean surely it should be the other way around.

Anyway I find such things need to be leaned into, to be felt and touched so they can be understood. You don’t swim by reading books.

Ask for forgiveness and not permission

I won’t look to be disliked or do it intentionally but I must give the bitter pill, the medicine where it’s there to be given.

Why?

Because that’s I have to give. I can give it with a smile or scowl. But it’s there to be given. If I am wrong to give it then I will learn from it and move on. But right now I am stale, not growing or giving anything.

Let’s give and see what we get back

Do you know what instant approval is?

Its staying back at work so your boss gives you the pat on your back you never knew you wanted

Its saying a joke that you don’t think is funny so you can get a laugh

Its playing out a fantasy in your head and at the end of the fantasy you see the people you need

What are they doing in your fantasy?

At the end of your fantasy?

Its what holds you back achieving those things that mean something

Because those things that mean something take time, people don’t understand it

They can’t see it, its like the seed, its growing, underground, it needs nurturing

What are you nuturing? What are you trying to achieve outside of instant gratification?

The truth is nothing. I am just trying to do my job well. That’s it

What long game am I playing? What am I investing in that teaches me and helps me learn?

I am have been writing about the same thing for too long

If you hate it then it means something

So what is instant approval?

Instant approval is easy way out

Instant approval is the wrong thing to do

Instant approval is what I do