How much do I try to impress people?

I mean impress upon them that  I am good, cool or just the shi!t.

A large part of it may come from the office culture that I work in where my performance is measured quite subjectively rather than an objectively.

But no excuses, impressing people intentionally leaves a bad after taste.

So let’s examine how its done.

Voluntary Pub Quiz – Did you know this or that? This why this is here or there? Who won when and where? Let me give myself a tip. No one bloody cares why the M5 tunnel has 2 lanes or the original name of Beverley Hills. Keep the trivia to yourself.

Extra Info Sharing  – “How’s the day bro? Busy man, CFO busting my balls.” Why mention the CFO, everyone’s balls are being busted, men, women and children, does it matter by who. Do you think your balls are an extra special pair cause a CFO is busting them. Nah brah, they just regular ol balls there for the busting. Also don’t complain, people don’t want to hear that shit, they want you to hear their shit.

Opinion injection – “Your getting your car washed where? Nah man, they leave the polish on for too long, drive 30mins go to JB’s, he knows how polish a Toyota Yaris right” Seriously, I do this. How bout “Nah cuz, shes doing that squat wrong, all the weight is leaning on her back” What does that even mean? Man, let people be. Let them do what they like because it’s their choice and not yours. They do not want you to optimise there life with your useful hot chips recommendations

These are things that I do and they leave an unpleasant after taste or even after thought in my mouth/mind.

This feeling/energy must mean something as its soft but always heard/felt.

And that my friend is “Il Grillo Parlante”, i.e. your conscience.

(just did it again)

They say nothing affects us more than bad parenting.
So today I want to look atmy parents and see how the negative traits we share have impacted me and whether I am doomed to make the mistakes.

1. Prone to anger – He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

Anger is good when controlled used to fuel and not burn. Anger has caused me to make allot of mistakes and say some horrible things.

2. Judgemental and comparing – For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Always putting others successes down and not focusing on myself. Or the contempt I feel for other people may just be contempt for myself. Need to move past this and focus on me.

3. Temptation – No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

I over indulge whether it is in food, sex alcohol or ego. I can see the road this leads down, if it’s food then obesity, if sex then …. I need to remain humble and remember to keep my mouth shut.

4. Not being in the present – Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I always look to the next big idea rather than making my current situation the best it can be, I need to remain focused on the present and making the best of each moment.

5. Not listening –  let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak

Hearing not exactly what is said but what I want to hear. Not listening but responding or just ignoring when the opposite is pointed out to me.

6. Gossip – With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors,
but through knowledge the righteous escape.

Taking pleasure in talking about other people is a vice, there is only downside here.

I was 12 maybe 11

I was at Wonderland (a theme park), a end of year school trip

I was just tall enough to get on the biggest baddest roller coaster in the land

The demon

Single train, we were arranged 2 across for maybe 30 rows back

I was brave, sat at the front

Now this roller coaster starts by being pulled backward up a ramp, imagine drawing an arrow back

You can feel the tension increase every time the chain clicked

Click, click, click

I was looking down at the scariest thing I had seen

I had that hard heart beast in my chest

I was looking left

Looking right

Locked in I was not going anywhere

The tension was rising

At any second the train would be released and we would be sent hurtling through 3 loops at 80km per hour

It was getting too much

I didn’t want to scream, can not be scared now.

So I closed my eyes. Shut tight.

You can’t be scared of what you can’t see.

I opened them probably halfway through the ride but by then it was too late

The damage was done

You see the whole point of riding the demon was to prove that you are brave enough, you are not scared.  To your friends but more importantly to yourself. But you see I faked it. Closing my eyes was akin to backing out, better be the coward then the faker.

I closed my eyes

I cheated myself

I didn’t really experience the ride the same way other people did

I did not feel the fear the same way I would have felt

I did not see the world blast past.

I did not look the demon in the eye and stare it down.

I hanged on and hoped for the best.

Why am I saying all this?

When you ride the demon, you need to take it all in and see how far you can go.

Like a shot of tequila, there is only way to know how many you can take. One tequila, two tequila, there tequila, floor.

Look the demon in the eye

Take in all you can and you are guaranteed to find out more about yourself.

Better or worse

Know thy self is rule number one

Yesterday I saw on an old dear friend. In our younger days we would talk of conquering the business world together. Our connection is deep and our lives has run parallel be it on different tracks.

Yesterday I realised it probably would never happen.

You see people get on with their life and not tell you. They dont have. Why would you expect otherwise?

Moves will be made and you will be left behind.

You have to make your own moves and not wait for others to make them. It just cannot work any other way.

The ride or die era is over, now every one is looking after there own. And it does not matter how tight you were when you were 21.

31 is a different game homie.

31 is long term partners not honey’s on the fly

31 is investment property not speculative uranium miners

31 is my career and not my idea

The path we walk we walk alone. That’s he way it is meant to be.

12 disciples and Jesus dies on the cross alone.

If you wait for other you will be left behind.

I need to stop looking to my freinds for the right move to make and start looking at myself and seeing what I can do.

Next time I see him I know that this isn’t the time we meet and our grand plan comes together.

There is no grand plan

There is no chat to make it work

Its just life happening to us and I do nothing.

Its business and business and friendship does not mix. Ask the Notorious B.I.G.

So let it be. I will make my moves. No more waiting

No more looking to to other people for ideas

No more watching

There will be no instigators

Other than the one I see in the mirror.

Man
I have talked so much and done so little.
How am I supposed to look you in the eye?
And you are going drive up to hang out with me?
To look at me?
To hang out with me?
So I can tell you what?
I hate my job?
Or that I am living with my parents?
Or how I am scared of the chairman?
Imagine that, scared of a man that breathes the same air as me.
Or that everyday life slips me by?
Not in some dramatic way.
But in a 70 minute commute, 10 hour work day, 70 minute commute, 20 minutes of eating and 3 hours of internet surfing kinda way?
Is that what you want to hear?
How bout that I find it hard to look in the mirror?
Or that I haven’t made love to wife for a month?
But that I need her more than anything?
Does that sound like pleasant chatter?
Or do you want to go deeper?
Like I have binges on porn to give me a dopamine kick?
Or that I buy coffee and caramel slices from different cafes during the work day so I can get away from my desk? Or is it to get through the day? That sugar rush.
Or that I talk to myself on the platform?
Ever think about walking that line bruh?
Did you?
Cause it’s there, always waiting, lurking and it’s always going to be there.
All falls down
But not yet
Not yet
Cause I don’t die

I mean my manager and I do not get along.

The work is drudgery.

The Chairman yells at people.

The hours are long.

Maybe I am being a winger

I mean they have given me a shot.

But there is another part of me that says, you didn’t like the first round interview or the final interview. Your instinct was right but you went against cause you kind of had to.

But now I know.

The people are cool, but the work and the manager just aren’t doing it for me. 1 out of 3 is not a pass mark.

Its bit like the question, do you finish a book that you do not like?

It all depends.

But a job is the majority of my day and if you don’t like it, then there are jobs out there that you could like, so maybe you should try those rather then forcing yourself to like it.

Well I said at the start I would give it a month and this is week four. By the end of this week, I should know.

I will continue to give it my all, my absolute everything, but if i still dread it come Friday, then calls need to be made and I need to be back on the market.

There is no point hanging around if your not in the in crowd.

When I look at the most unproductive part of my day it really has to be the night.
The night is when I am most prone to procrastinate.
The night is when I do the worst kind of internet surfing.
The night is when I click channels endlessly and still find nothing to watch.
So I am switching my late nights to early mornings in an effort to be more productive.
Prayer, gym and meditation.
I also hope to skip lunch and sustain myself on two meals a Day.
The motivation behind the change?
Well there are three,
1. A new job where I feel the motivation to prove my self
2. I have been in Sydney for 6 months and I still haven’t started my side hustle
3. I need to recapture the glory again

What is the glory I speak of? It’s something I have felt when I did something people thought was very very very difficult.

I need to do something difficult again, maybe the answer lies in the morning.

One day in your life you may be lucky enough to start a camp fire on a secluded beach at night.

It will be you.

The darkness. 

The waves.

The fire.

And the stars.

But something strange happens. As the fire grows stronger, the stars dim. As the fire weakens the stars shine brighter. There is this amazing interchange between the fire and the stars in the darkness.

When the fire burns its all consuming and its light so strong that it blinds us to the stars. We can’t see the heavens as the light close to us burns so strong.

But as as our fire dims the majesty of the heavens is revealed. The glory and the majesty of the night sky, a herculean tapestry of diamonds, scattered across the sky. 

The fire is momentary, the stars eternal.

Better said the fire is the moment and the stars the forever.
This is the dynamic  I need to get right in life.

I have my stars quite clear, my vision, my goals, the long term. But my fire is too weak, the daily things I need to do.
I need to get the fire a little stronger, to burn a little brighter. 

Alas, I am a man that lacks action, but not vision.