Uncharted Territory

My success has come in areas where it is easily measured.

What do I mean?
Academic success at school and university, is easily tracked, you have exams and assignments as well as attendance, they are clearly defined and planning is easy. There is even a start date and end date. Each period is clearly categorised, as well as performance in every area.


Corporate success through promotions and pay rises is also easy to track. Goals/Strategies are communicated and preferred personality traits are advertised through value and mission statements.


None of the above exists in the world of business. No one will tell you what to do or even how to do it.What is success to you?

How much do you want to make?

What goals do you want to achieve?

It is all out in the open.
Should I define it first?

Or I should I step forward and see what happens?
My instinct tells me the answer lies in the middle.

Move forward but also have the end in mind.

Trying and Actually Trying

Did you ever think of the difference of doing something and actually doing something?
Or more specifically trying and actually trying?


I have just been trying but not really actually trying.
I try up to the point where I notice other people see me trying and then I pull back because I have their approval that I tried.
The other day I was in the gym and not really pushing myself that hard. Someone walked past and I caught myself heavily exhaling and inhaling, as if I was tired from pushing myself. Strange.


Why did I do this?
How long have I been doing it?
And in what other parts of my life have I been essentially faking in front of other people?
I know it’s not healthy and leads to a fake gratification.
Which means I could be doing allot more if I didn’t fake trying but actually tried.


I noticed a while back that when I closed my eyes in yoga I strained my face less yet pushed myself further.


Maybe it’s time I close my eyes in other areas as well.

Nothing Goes to Plan

If you told me I would be 5 months out of work since moving back to Sydney, 10 months since I left London, I would have laughed in your face.

But that’s the reality, no job, no money and a lower sense of self worth. I have been waiting for the job to materialise to make things happen in other areas of my life.
Sell a product – No product
Food stall at a market – No markets
Start a blog – slow and half arsed
Why – Because no Job
This one one truck upfront, getting a job, has held back the whole convoy.

On one hand the logic made sense, one step at a time.
Secure the first flag then go for the other.

But maybe it’s time to spread my focus, no less effort in the job search but increase the effort in at least the blog and market fronts
That way there is momentum on the others once I get a permanent job.
But yeah 5 months no work.
One of the worst case scenarios is here.

Maybe it’s time to laugh at myself.

I Felt Nothing

I felt no relief when I got my 8 week contract.

No relief, no joy, no nothing

I thought I would be happy, I thought I would be happy to be productive again, but I don’t feel that at all.

All I feel is dread, a dense sadness. As if I know the road is wrong and what I am doing will lead to some place mediocre.

But is it where I need to go? I need money, its the enabler and for the next 8 weeks at least, this gives me the money. I need clothes, travelling for 6 months and moving country means you are low on clothes.

Happiness is not built on dreams, it is built in the now. In bricks and motor and in the ability to do what you want.

I need to keep dancing with the devil, I only hope this will be my last dance.

I never really understood the word melancholy when I was young. I understood the meaning in a “I can tell you what it means sort of way”. But now, at age 30, I know it. To do the wasteful thing, the thing that gives you so much yet so little at the same time. That’s why its pensive, because its pervasive.

Anyway, one thing at a time. And I have one thing. Now unto the next thing.

On Unemployment

There is something to be said about unemployment when your actively seeking employment. The feeling of being disregarded, an outsider of every day activities. You do not feel a part of the group. Your not privy to the conversations. You are but an observer, αn outsider, an outcast.

I have never dreaded mondays, like I do now, the angst, the foreboding, the utter nothingness that is applying for jobs. You really feel deep down that no cares. And how can they?

They have there own life’s, with there own worries why would they take time to help you. Only you can help yourself. You need to chase down recruiters, see the people and put yourself in those ever awkward positions.

The weirdest thing is the knowledge that I will not see time like this again, I mean free time. But I it’s ironic, because it’s time I cannot enjoy. Time is only valuable if it’s limited. Unlimited time is useless because nothing is more urgent then finding that job. And that job haunts me. Every day I see it and it’s only that I can do.

I force myself to gym, to cook, to read and to see people. It is so much easier to refresh job postings and play it out from there. But I force my self because only darkness awaits if I don’t.

So onward and upward until I get that job I do not want and then I can be truly unhappy.

The Last Dance

One last dance
One last ride
One last interview to do
Well two interviews
And if I don’t get the job there will be more

There is something thrilling about finality.
It brings the best and worst out of people.
It seems it all comes down to this, but we all know tomorrow there will be something else. Another thing in the way.

It feels good though to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That light can also be a train, and failing here will really knock the wind out of me, but I know that I will get back up and there will be another chance

The days are passing slower now. I will need to start consciously filling them as YouTube and procrastination are ever so time consuming.

Anyway, the last dance is tomorrow.
Until the next one

Time happens by itself

You can’t touch it, you can’t stop it and you can’t start it.

Yet we talk about time as if there is some control, like we have some influence when we don’t. Time passes regardless. I mean you can literally do nothing and the time will pass and on the other side of the coin you can do all you can and time will still pass.

Its always ticking and its always moving, no matter what you do.

This is scary. You can pass a whole life watching youtube, surfing the net and doing idle minded things and you don’t even realise. I wish there would be some warning, yo you just wasted X amount of time. But you don’t get one. All you get is this confusion, you had all these plans and you did none of it and now your still doing nothing. Think about it, I mean time just passes and you have no idea. Its like try to pick up water, the harder you squeeze the faster it flows out, there is nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.

Man all you can do is make sure the time you do have you spend on things you enjoy and not what you think you enjoy. If I can feel my life with joy I know I am on the right path.

Things I enjoy – cooking, reading good books, writing, gym, playing sports with my friends, travelling, massages, hanging out with missus (walking and cuddling) and discussing new ideas and concepts.

Things I do not enjoy – Pointless internet surfing, cleaning, long commutes, office politics, power point packs, double checking, working to please others, forced hang outs with friends, in-between time and half arsing.

If I can do more of the former and less of the latter, I should be on the right track.

Being Unemployed

Being unemployed isn’t so bad really. Waking up and checking your email. Chasing recruiters for possible leads. A lot of spare time. I mean if it wasn’t for the feeling of uselessness that pervades, it would be great.

But there is the rub, that feeling pervades. When you go to meet people you almost flinch when they ask you, “So what do you do?”. A physical reaction to a question.

You want to buy a tennis racket, but should you? Your not working, no money is coming in. So why would you buy a tennis racket, just use your friends old one. It is the same when I buy anything really.

In all of this it is important to remain positive, to push through and keep being persistent, because it is the only way anything is going to happen. Apply for those roles, follow up with a phone call and show up to meetings. AHH showing up, it really is half the battle.

Before I know it, I will have a job I wanted so badly but never liked.

Necessary Evil – Job Hunting

I find nothing more draining then looking for work whilst unemployed.

I hate it, I really do, the recruiters, the interviews, the ties and the falseness. Most of all I think I hate applying for jobs I don’t want.

But my friends money is the facilitator in this world and with that money I will build my other business. I know, I know, we have all heard that before.

The job is merely a first step to giving me the breathing space to try other things, the food, the product, the properties and the ideas. The job gives you a salaried income which means the bank gives you money which in turn makes you a player at the table. A very small player but a player nonetheless.

And if job hunting is whats needed to become a player at the table then job hunting it will be, as long as my soul can take it. And take it, it will.

The Setting Impels

Whilst travelling I had these dreams of opening up small businesses and living off them, like having a food stall that made the best takeaway seafood and importing fine products from overseas.

The setting impelled.

Now I find myself updating my CV, calling recruiters who don’t want to talk to me about jobs I don’t want.

The setting impels.

The term product of your environment rings true in my ears.

In the city I live, buying a property dominates the conversation. I now find myself looking at houses and areas I want to live.

I need to take control of the setting, change it up.

At the same time, pragmatism is needed. A job is a reliable source of income. I must find the middle ground, a difficult task considering my mind’s preference for the extreme.

I will start to build on the middle ground and leave the extremes behind. The middle ground may not as stable as the extremes but it will be more rewarding. More flexible and more options.

Small business and salary.

Country A and Country B.

Strength and speed.

The setting will impel.