Nothing Goes to Plan

If you told me I would be 5 months out of work since moving back to Sydney, 10 months since I left London, I would have laughed in your face.

But that’s the reality, no job, no money and a lower sense of self worth. I have been waiting for the job to materialise to make things happen in other areas of my life.
Sell a product – No product
Food stall at a market – No markets
Start a blog – slow and half arsed
Why – Because no Job
This one one truck upfront, getting a job, has held back the whole convoy.

On one hand the logic made sense, one step at a time.
Secure the first flag then go for the other.

But maybe it’s time to spread my focus, no less effort in the job search but increase the effort in at least the blog and market fronts
That way there is momentum on the others once I get a permanent job.
But yeah 5 months no work.
One of the worst case scenarios is here.

Maybe it’s time to laugh at myself.

I Felt Nothing

I felt no relief when I got my 8 week contract.

No relief, no joy, no nothing

I thought I would be happy, I thought I would be happy to be productive again, but I don’t feel that at all.

All I feel is dread, a dense sadness. As if I know the road is wrong and what I am doing will lead to some place mediocre.

But is it where I need to go? I need money, its the enabler and for the next 8 weeks at least, this gives me the money. I need clothes, travelling for 6 months and moving country means you are low on clothes.

Happiness is not built on dreams, it is built in the now. In bricks and motor and in the ability to do what you want.

I need to keep dancing with the devil, I only hope this will be my last dance.

I never really understood the word melancholy when I was young. I understood the meaning in a “I can tell you what it means sort of way”. But now, at age 30, I know it. To do the wasteful thing, the thing that gives you so much yet so little at the same time. That’s why its pensive, because its pervasive.

Anyway, one thing at a time. And I have one thing. Now unto the next thing.

On Unemployment

There is something to be said about unemployment when your actively seeking employment. The feeling of being disregarded, an outsider of every day activities. You do not feel a part of the group. Your not privy to the conversations. You are but an observer, αn outsider, an outcast.

I have never dreaded mondays, like I do now, the angst, the foreboding, the utter nothingness that is applying for jobs. You really feel deep down that no cares. And how can they?

They have there own life’s, with there own worries why would they take time to help you. Only you can help yourself. You need to chase down recruiters, see the people and put yourself in those ever awkward positions.

The weirdest thing is the knowledge that I will not see time like this again, I mean free time. But I it’s ironic, because it’s time I cannot enjoy. Time is only valuable if it’s limited. Unlimited time is useless because nothing is more urgent then finding that job. And that job haunts me. Every day I see it and it’s only that I can do.

I force myself to gym, to cook, to read and to see people. It is so much easier to refresh job postings and play it out from there. But I force my self because only darkness awaits if I don’t.

So onward and upward until I get that job I do not want and then I can be truly unhappy.

Being Unemployed

Being unemployed isn’t so bad really. Waking up and checking your email. Chasing recruiters for possible leads. A lot of spare time. I mean if it wasn’t for the feeling of uselessness that pervades, it would be great.

But there is the rub, that feeling pervades. When you go to meet people you almost flinch when they ask you, “So what do you do?”. A physical reaction to a question.

You want to buy a tennis racket, but should you? Your not working, no money is coming in. So why would you buy a tennis racket, just use your friends old one. It is the same when I buy anything really.

In all of this it is important to remain positive, to push through and keep being persistent, because it is the only way anything is going to happen. Apply for those roles, follow up with a phone call and show up to meetings. AHH showing up, it really is half the battle.

Before I know it, I will have a job I wanted so badly but never liked.